County Kerry, Ireland.

The beautiful scenery in County Kerry does nothing to ameliorate the full moon-type loons that inhabit the area.

County Kerry south-west Ireland has some beautiful scenery to offer but if holidaying here you should be aware that 95 per cent of its roads are little more than goat-track. The typical highway in this part of Ireland has a depth of asphalt that’s inferior to the average semi-detached’s driveway: pensioners on mobility scooters would tear potholes in them over a matter of weeks and might also cause them to subside into the bordering marshland. Totally unsuitable for mainstream public transport or the area’s weather extremes – and a pain-in-the-arse for the average holidaymaker in a hire car who isn’t trained in rough terrain driving.

You must also be extremely cautious of local drivers who are apt to be irrational about almost everything including which side of the track they drive on. Patrick Cotter is a good example of the type of nutter you’d be very likely to encounter on partially tarmacked thoroughfares in Kerry or neighbouring areas.

Mr Cotter drove for 16km on the wrong side of a dual carriageway at an average speed of 180kph; and all the while he had his elbow out the driver’s window and was puffing cigarettes. Amazingly the Garda Síochána (Irish police) apprehended him and brought him to court where the kindly judge gave him a suspended sentence and obsequiously requested: “Will you stay in Cork [from now on]? Don’t come out of it – we don’t want you coming up here onto the dual carriageway.” (The trial was held in Limerick so, presumably, it’s OK with the judge if Cotter stays away from his area and only kills innocent drivers in Cork.)

Something robust is needed to retain life
and limb when driving in County Kerry.

It all seems jovial until you realise that Patrick Cotter has a list of previous convictions as long as a giraffe’s neck. He has stood trial and been convicted for 247 previous offences. This tally includes 26 for driving without insurance, 23 for drunk driving, 9 for hit and run, 5 for careless driving and 2 for dangerous driving.

Is this fellow just a tad too criminally insane to be getting a slap on the wrist?

I suspect you’d not enjoy meeting this nutter on a badly surfaced road on a wet and windy evening in south-west Ireland. Considering the ubiquity of mental health problems in Munster and the outrageous way serious road traffic offences are dealt with driving there is not to be undertaken lightly. If you are planning on driving around the Ring of Kerry I’d suggest that you look into hiring a decommissioned T 34 tank or some such armoured vehicle.